What do you do when your heart is breaking

and you can see no end in sight to the sadness that has haunted you throughout your life?
Suicide causes so much pain, yet I do not blame my mother. I know how close I have come myself to just give up and not try to get through another day, because I cannot see a future that makes any sense to me.
What do you do when you are just surrounded by the debris of bits of your life that did exist, reminding you of feats that you achieved, people you somehow managed to help, just because you could. Clothes you could wear before you just gave up caring how you looked. Because what is the point.
You plough through bits of paper that you kept for a reason and you look at them and even though it's been a while since you have, you still see that there's valuable information you could use sometime in the future. So yet again you don't throw that bit away.
But then you can't see a future, you can't even imagine a future and sadly you no longer know how to imagine a future anymore

If you had advised me that it was not a good idea

to give up the offer of a job of running a UK publishing company, and return to Los Angeles to help a brother and his two daughters through a truly awful custody battle with a sociopath, I would not have taken it.
Family had always meant a lot to me, I suppose because I just didn't have a "normal" one.
Now, I am the one who is broken and there's no one to help me at all. In fact it would appear that I have become the pariah of the family.
Sad, and finding it hard to start again.
61 is a hard age to realise that all that you've stood for, justice and fair treatment brings you to a point of desperation.
Depression is not understood. Neither is ptsd or panic disorder. A fact that I realise must be common to so many people suffering with the same serious illness.
So you put one step in front of the other, and hope.

The Cranberries, Ray Parker Jr and acts we missed out on

Exchanging comments with Stephen Foster about the Memphis Sound this morning and I got into how some musicians are just so brilliant and so love what they play, that you are drawn into them. And I then to thinking about drummers, in particular Steve Ferrone (was quite happy just listening to him play anything at sound check, as it took hours for the producer to get the sound he particularly wanted) and Anton Fig, who tie as best drummers in my history and then to Fergal Lawley of The Cranberries. From there I found myself wondering how many acts different staff at different companies, would love to have signed and did their upmost to get the "powers that be" to agree with them, yet failed.
I think I'll start with the famous Ray Parker Jr story, when I was still at Chrysalis.
Ray (and his drummer Ollie Brown who both played for Stevie Wonderand goodness knows how many albums, Ray played guitar on. He once commented that he couldn't remember, there were so many) and I became friends through JD Nicholas, who I'd signed as a write to Chrysalis Music Ltd, so wanted to sign to Chrysalis, but no go at Chrysalis, we hadn't yet accepted that r & b could be pop and would go mainstream.
Ray may be African American (and at Chrysalis we hadn't had much luck with a band called Lynx, I think), however, his music is pop and he has one of the sexiest voices, as well as being a great guitarist and songwriter (he told me once he wrote a lot of his songs from listening to women), and he wanted to be with Chrysalis. I tried my hardest, but no, no go, too black for the label. How ridiculous. Anyway, Ray's next album which we passed on contained "Ghostbusters", so how stupid can some A & R decision makers be! Plus, I then had to put up with a lot of teasing as everyone at Chrysalis knew Ray was my friend and the so called close resemblance of "Ghostbuster" to "I Want New Drug". I just kept playing "Pop Music"(signed by another legend of the business, Seymour Stein, and he also signed Madonna - who we also passed on at Chrysalis) and still think that the only similarity is the bass riff.
I can think of one A & R guy I worked with at Imago (he completed reimaged himself to look like TCE), who didn't even know who Tom Dowd is. How can you be in A & R and not know one of the finest producers ever?!!!
Chrysalis turned down The Squeeze, a great rock band with fantastic songwriting, whose early pub/small club performances I haunted. And the irony of not only passing on still one of the best rock bands, but the opportunity to get The Police thrown in too.
Dire Straits were another they just couldn't get, although Chris Briggs and I did our best to convince the powers that were, to sign the band.
TCE once phoned me a year after sending him a cassette of a band, Minor Detail, whose manage couldn't get a meeting with the UK company, but could see me. That led to a visit to see the band by the UK A & R, often nicknamed um and r.
Anyway, I had no clue what to say to a boss who had just listened to a cassette I'd sent him a year previously! I plucked up courage and called him and said that they'd signed to Polygram a year ago. Well, he responded, what about their publishing?!!! Sadly, the band's unique vocal quality was a&r'd out of their debut album, and they did nothing.
But the Cranberries, have to be one of the worst lack of foresight by a label head. At Imago, Michael Murphy (often wonder where he is) originally heard of the band and then involved Lauren Bromley (from One Little Indian, another great small label and I often wonder where she and Eric - who also worked for Imago - are too) and then me, then Kate. We traveled to Ireland to see them perform so many times. And eventually managed to get TCE to agree to fly them over to London for him to see them perform at a club in the UK. He just couldn't get it. Thought that the songwriting was brilliant, but that Dolores wasn't a star! How he could miss her unique frail quality, and that she was surrounded by light is beyond me. But she wasn't flashy and coming from a small Irish town didn't dress like Madonna. I found myself reminiscing how when I watched them, I also frequently found myself mesmerized by Fergal's drumming, he so loved playing them and that was obvious.
Fortunately, they signed with Denny Cordell, who to me was a legendary record man (Shelter Records - Leon Russell, Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers) and also one who treated women equally. As Imago didn't really function that well, to say the least!
And I'll end with what I still find a funny anecdote. Certain of the Imago A & R staff and I were flying into Dublin to see The Devlins perform. But fog descended, and we were informed that we would probably get diverted to Shannon. Now the man, who sat next to me on the plane happened to buy and sell airplanes and as is my habit, I got talking with him. Learning of our dilemna, he offered to fly us in his private jet at Shannon to get to Dublin, but that still wouldn't get us to the show in time. Well, he "knew people in places", and I saw him disappear into the captain's cabin and the next announcement was that the pilot was going to seek a hole in the fog to try and land at Dublin. First and only time I've ever heard the air staff announce precise safety instructions for a landing. (Fortunately, I am not afraid of flying, once you're in a plane, you're no longer in control and that's just that!). Well we landed, with great sighs of relief from many passengers to an almost empty Dublin airport and made the Devlins' show, joined by the airplane seller and buyer. Us, Imago A& R didn't manage to sign them to Imago either! Ina Meibach was their lawyer, and she's an excellent one, and all for the artist and not the politics of being a lawyer in the music business as quite a few are. Don Passman is another, whose only concern is what's best for his client, not his relationship with labels.
Enough of could haves, didn't do, failed to and I'll end with Chrysalis US passing on The Knack with "My Sharona"!

Growing up in Nottinghill Gate

I was 5 and my brother, 4 when our mother died, and Dad took us to live with his mother (originally from Bermondsey) at no 8 Aubrey Walk, Nottinghill Gate, W8 sometime early in 195

My grandfather worked for the British water board situated at the corner of Aubrey Walk nearly at the junction with Campden Hill Road. The water board, had a tower (since knocked down, but for a while also used as an antena for radio) and was fascinating for David and I to occasionally visit, where my grandfather managed the huge diesel fuelled engines (which we believe led to his lung cancer) that powered the water distribution. Behind this was a large grass covered undeground reservoir. This, David and I frequently managed to get onto (although forbidden to) by climbing up over what was at one time a chicken coop, over a 12' tall wall to get on to the reservoir and play. Dad would also use this shortcut to get to the tennis club.

The waterboard owned a small row of terrace houses including no 8. There was only a toilet, no bathroom. 3 bedrooms. A sitting room, no one ventured into unless there was a special occasion. a common room (can't think what this would have been called) with a fireplace which was lit daily from November through April. Then coal fires stopped regardless of how cold it still was. Next to this was the kitchen where we all ate, and a pantry in which David and I would have our toys and play.

My grandfather would use the shower at the waterboard and my grandmother who did housework for the Tennants who lived opposite in a 4 storey house adjacent to a two story house and would use their bathroom once a week.

David and I would have a bath each Saturday in a tin bath in front of the fire when it was winter.

Bed sheets were changed every week. Mattresses were made of feathers and required a lot of shaking to rearrange the feathers from sleeping in them all week.

My grandparents had the front bedroom, I shared the other front bedroom with my Aunt Jacqueline, and David and Dad shared the back bedroom.

Because David was not yet of school age, he was sent to live with our Irish grandmother for about 18 months shortly after the marriage of Tricia and Bill.

I went to Fox's infant school and then to the adjacent St. Georges Junior School. It was not a long walk down Aubrey Walk, across Campden Hill Road on to Kensington Park Road, where the two schools were situated close to the end of that road.

Adjacent to this small terrace of three houses, was the Campden Hill Tennis Club.

There was/is a beautiful old church (situated about a third of the street from Hillsleigh Road, where my Aunt Jacqueline and Uncle Doug were married when I was about 9, and Dad (who had by now remarried - June 1 we refer to her as, who had two children of her own, Debbie (3) and Stephen (4). David, Dad and I joined this family and left to live in a council house in Stonebridge Park. Quite a different area than Notting Hill Gate! I had what was called a "posh" accent developed from listening to all the similar "posh" accents around me.

In 1953, my Aunt Tricia and Uncle Bill married only about 4 days after my mother died. Weddings for poor people could not be postponed because of the cost. Aunt Jacqueline and I were bridesmaids. I remember that the reception was in a hall with a gallery, which all the children had fun running up the stairs and around and down again. By the end of the evening my long blue net dress had a very tattered hem!

It was a relatively happy 3-4 years for David and me, although Nan Munday was pretty strict and firmly believed that children should be seen and not heard. We were pretty fortunate with holidays as we would generally go to the Isle of Wight for a week and then David and I would go to Liscaroll, County Cork, where our Irish grandparents lived.

David and I used to come home from school for lunch, which was the same menu each day of the week, ending on Friday with fish, because our mother had been Roman Catholic.

Dad would generally take us alternate Sundays to a Roman Catholic church and a Church of England one.

A car accident

My car accident of September 9, 2008 was finally settled in mediation in September 2010 - a long time - yes, a very, very long time. And I was forced into mediation or faced the alternative of having to wait until 2011 to go to court,because the complaint was not filed until February 2010 rather than before the end of 2009, as I had been advised it would be. And I needed so badly for the entire accident to be behind me (which of course it had been!), that I agreed.
I had never had a car accident before (except for minor dings I caused myself - gate posts moving, street lights, that sort of thing!) and it completely altered my life for quite a while. I stopped driving for about 9 months.
I was simply waiting at a traffic light on Beverly and Curson (LA), one car in front of me. Fortunately, I always leave a distance between the one in front and me, so did not hit that.
I remember it as a huge impact (it was a Continental Navigator and I don't know how many tons they weigh) and I had no idea what had happened. Perhaps the world had fallen down.
Because I was looking in the direction of the light, I saw my boyfriend's hands end up on the glove compartment. My beloved dog lying in the back was thrown forward. And of course, because I was looking to my right, my body was thrown backwards and forwards in a small area behind the wheel. Hence over 2 years later, I still suffer daily pain from whiplash in the right side of my neck and my right shoulder and upper arm. Sometimes my brachial plexus plays up, and nerve ending pain is not something I enjoy!
I got out of my car, a volvo station wagon and the entire rear end was smashed in.
A very beautiful young woman was coming towards me on the phone and I asked her if she was ok. She said she was fine.
As an aside there, was also the very rude man who stopped as he was driving past and yelled at us to get out of the road. I did not mince words with him, just assertively suggested he get on his way, which he could do because he wasn't behind us, however, alongside us, hence blocking traffic behind him! Glad that I am not married to him, that's for sure!
It is not the habit of British people to think of lawyers when they have accidents, however, Farmers Insurance (who insure both parties) acted swiftly.
I received a call the next morning. I gave as best account of what happened as one can do, given the shock. Was I okay? Yes, I answered. A British understatement.
An evaluator came to see the volvo, talked about it being a right off and maybe I'd get about $100. My insurance agent was not optimistic either.
Gradually as shock wore off, the pain in my body increased and I did what I never thought I would ever have to do, I called a lawyer friend and he recommended someone expert at dealing with car accidents. A different breed of lawyers to the ones I frequently negotiated with when I was running Chrysalis Music and managing artists.
Went to the ortho doc my lawyer suggested. A cold man. He agreed that I should see my chiropractor, who at that stage I hadn't seen in over 2 1/2 years, since he was able to correct the problem with my pelvis. I often felt that I had no control over the process whatsoever.
Within a few weeks I was in constant daily pain, sometimes so bad that I simply had to go to sleep to get away from it.
I was afraid to drive. Something I never expected, although there had been times in my low Honda Prelude being on freeways with crazy suv drivers, when I felt vulnerable.
Altogether I had about six weeks of chiropractic work and massage, interrupted by a stomach virus. This came back to haunt me, as to why there were gaps in my treatment - I don't know of anyone who would visit a chiropractor to be adjusted while suffering from a stomach virus, but perhaps there are such people - who knows.
Other pain started and I found that my sciatic nerve (I thought I'd pulled a muscle in my butt, until I saw my GP for a general check up and looked at the large poster of a skeleton), so back to the orth doc, who sent me for mri's.
More delay ensued, as he telephoned me with the results of the mri and without mincing words informed me I had a brain tumor. I politely said thank you and just sat there for an evening wondering. And who calls a patient and tells them that they have a brain tumor over the phone? Made an appointment with Cedars-Sinai.
I thought that being totally blameless in the accident, since sitting stopped at a red light is what you're supposed to be doing and there would be an easy settlement!
But Farmers Insurance are not a good company (web sites dedicated to suits against them - they also own All State and 21st Century and a class action suit for discimination against Mormons)and they argued that all of the pain I was experiencing was because of my age! Well I was 59 when the accident happened, could play tennis, lift things with ease, dry my hair without pain and work out, and wow - suddenly age had caught up with me????
Now I paint with a neck brace, and also when using the computer, or lifting things, otherwise the pain reaches the unbearable level pretty quickly.
My life to that point had not been easy because of my mental challenges, but I was finally getting my life back together. I felt free to move ahead and do what I really wanted to do at school (evil stepmother comes in here, but no description) and that was paint. I was no longer able to work in an office around people, because ptsd, panic disorder and chronic depression makes it almost impossible to do so. I never know what will trigger ptsd, when my mind simply fragments and I feel as if I am looking through a kaleidescope of shards of glass.
The accident took all my progress to a better life away and I had to start again.
The small amount of money I shall receive because of Farmer's aggressive stance and the delay in filing a complaint, is pitiful. Although my lawyer is so pleased with the result they achieved, they've actually put it on whatever websites lawyers put such "achievements". I shall certainly never recommend them.
However, I am on the move forward again.
I intend to let Craig Ferguson and his wife know about the small amount I was supposed to have received by the end of October, although the end of October somehow seems to mean sometime the beginning of November to my lawyer. But then they frequently said one thing, which they later said they hadn't and anyone who knows me from working with me, will remember my ability to remember contracts provisions without having to look at one, what decision was made in a marketing meeting months before, etc.
I am not letting Craig and his wife, Megan know to get more money from them, but I would like them to know how shabbily Farmers Insurance treaed me.
So on to the art store to buy some matting board, and mounting board and then to the post office to mail some sold giclees to the UK.

Perhaps my luck is finally changing! And naivete

I am almost afraid to say this, as it's been a truly awful year! Each month something difficult (to say the least) has happened and I have ended that month, hoping the next one will be better, but no.

However the end of this month is turning out okay. Doesn't totally make up for the car accidents (3 - someone smashing past me down a side street and breaking my driver's side wing mirror, reversing into someone I think was driving too fast through a USPS drive through car park, and scraping the side of my pickup while trying to get out of a tiny spot, I probably shouldn't have attempted to get into in the first place, due to two large expensive cars taking up more that 2 adjacent parking spaces!), getting locked out twice, costing me $150, which is more than the $130 I received for the few CDs, Freak Beat Record bought, but retained the three boxes containing over 700 CDs, and not suggesting to me that I could sell them to another Amazon or internet seller, but doing so themselves, thereby immediately making up the small sum they paid me.

It is ridiculous that at my age I am still naive about people in the music business.

Learning that the check I should have received after the mediation by the end of October, will be held by my lawyer (more about her another blog) until sometime next week. Which, to the best of my knowledge is not the end of October! Guess they'll keep the interest!

However, my opinion of Amoeba has gone up, after meeting Jim and Fred, both of whom were really pleasant. Jim (their expert on RIAA awarded discs - I am almost tempted to get copies of all of the ones I should have received - Huey Lewis, other Blondie, etc) was pleased to pay me a fair price for my four platinum discs and a few albums I left out of selling to Freak Beat, because they'd only give me a $1 each for them.

Having tea with a good friend, who is Chairman of the PRS, who has bought a Tea with Klee giclee (he'll hang in his office there), driving back home praying all the way that I would make it to the gas station. I did just! My engine stopped, literally as I crossed their entrance.

Selling two Tea with Klee giclees to the boss, who was my best mentor, Bob Wise of Music Sales - treated me as a woman, an equal, and one with intelligence.

One to a great, but now retired artist manager, John Woodruff and his wife Christine, who became really good friends and got me an invitation to the most prestigeous 3M boat in the Sydney Harbour on Dec31 '84/Jan 1 '85) during my 3 week stay in Australia after I resigned from Chrysalis.
I was asked to stay on for a few months as (which they did not tell me, otherwise I may not have resigned since all senior staff received shares since they then went public) because of Terry Ellis selling his share of Chrysalis to his co-founder, Chris Wright and my loyalty to the company. They needed me to stay on to show that they had a top woman executive, because they wanted not to lose another top executive with TCE leaving, and also because I was really the only top woman exec that the company employed and they needed to show they were "equal op employers" (which they were not) for the British share offering. It's amazing how naive I have been in respect of certain people, for someone so good at business and negotiating!

Friends and letting go of family

It's been a tough year and each month something has happened, and October was the final straw (1 car accident my first ever that is my fault in 43 years of driving - well aside from the dings I caused myself, the loss of a friendship that I valued and trusted - I am reminded that a therapist once told me that you can only judge when to trust a person at the time you need to trust them - not helped by Freak Beat Records, to whom I sold my CDs and [who I shall never recommend], having found that Amazon selling had taken over my life), locked out twice, another car ding, banned from selling on Amazon for life [not a huge loss, I only had two CDs listed on there still]), so I am looking forward to 2011, although still hoping for a good month this year. And hoping the friend, Marv who reminded me of the Mayan prediction that 2011 will be the end of the world, is wrong.
I have come to the sad realization that only my friends really know me and perhaps that is the same for many families.
I have after all spent over half my life in the US. No I am not yet a citizen, however, am starting the process.
I am experiencing deep grief through recent goings-on with my immediate family, as well as still, the loss of my beloved dog, Anita.
I gave so much in terms of money, furniture, time and jobs to help one.
I don't blame that person for not remembering. They have gone through enough health crisises and a painfilled marriage. But I have lost the only person who has been in my life since their birth, and I cannot believe what they have done and said.
But the pain I feel is so powerful, that it is almost overwhelming and even painting is not helping that much (and I am about to have to start cutting matts, which I hate doing!), when it usually stills my mind and the ptsd.
Whenever anything happens with a family member, I get thrown back in to the memory less childhood and adolesence, because the abuse and whether I saw my mother dead or not, is too much for my mind, so it has kindly given me a blank.
Yes, there are some good ones, and a few years until I was 9 where there are happy pictures, particularly of me running around the fields of Ireland with my brother and my second cousin and staying with my Irish grandmother, who was love personified and gave unconditional love.
I have realized that what I thought was a family, isn't one that I was ever really a part of. And that I have always been the odd one out.
So on November 4, I am finally going to address the family issue and learn how to just let go of it all.
Yet remain very grateful that I was able to help my beautiful nieces, Sami and Vanessa.
I would do it all again, just for them to finally be safe, which they are.
And for that I remain very grateful that I was given that particular opportunity.
And now I have to matt a giclee, Anita's Garden for the Stray Cat Alliance, and deliver it for their silent auction today.
Wish me good fortune with letting go.