It's been a tough year and each month something has happened, and October was the final straw (1 car accident my first ever that is my fault in 43 years of driving - well aside from the dings I caused myself, the loss of a friendship that I valued and trusted - I am reminded that a therapist once told me that you can only judge when to trust a person at the time you need to trust them - not helped by Freak Beat Records, to whom I sold my CDs and [who I shall never recommend], having found that Amazon selling had taken over my life), locked out twice, another car ding, banned from selling on Amazon for life [not a huge loss, I only had two CDs listed on there still]), so I am looking forward to 2011, although still hoping for a good month this year. And hoping the friend, Marv who reminded me of the Mayan prediction that 2011 will be the end of the world, is wrong.
I have come to the sad realization that only my friends really know me and perhaps that is the same for many families.
I have after all spent over half my life in the US. No I am not yet a citizen, however, am starting the process.
I am experiencing deep grief through recent goings-on with my immediate family, as well as still, the loss of my beloved dog, Anita.
I gave so much in terms of money, furniture, time and jobs to help one.
I don't blame that person for not remembering. They have gone through enough health crisises and a painfilled marriage. But I have lost the only person who has been in my life since their birth, and I cannot believe what they have done and said.
But the pain I feel is so powerful, that it is almost overwhelming and even painting is not helping that much (and I am about to have to start cutting matts, which I hate doing!), when it usually stills my mind and the ptsd.
Whenever anything happens with a family member, I get thrown back in to the memory less childhood and adolesence, because the abuse and whether I saw my mother dead or not, is too much for my mind, so it has kindly given me a blank.
Yes, there are some good ones, and a few years until I was 9 where there are happy pictures, particularly of me running around the fields of Ireland with my brother and my second cousin and staying with my Irish grandmother, who was love personified and gave unconditional love.
I have realized that what I thought was a family, isn't one that I was ever really a part of. And that I have always been the odd one out.
So on November 4, I am finally going to address the family issue and learn how to just let go of it all.
Yet remain very grateful that I was able to help my beautiful nieces, Sami and Vanessa.
I would do it all again, just for them to finally be safe, which they are.
And for that I remain very grateful that I was given that particular opportunity.
And now I have to matt a giclee, Anita's Garden for the Stray Cat Alliance, and deliver it for their silent auction today.
Wish me good fortune with letting go.
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