verb : to give up to the control or influence of another person or agent
adjective: to be given up : forsaken
Interesting - I find myself thinking that the verb contradicts the adjective.
It's easy to adbandon a task that you cannot simply complete, because you don't have the right tools, or it's a scientific equation that you can't understand, no matter how many times you read or have read about it. Or you abandon the control and attempt to influence another person, because you finally accept that nothing you say or do will get that person to stop doing what they want to.
But adbandonment is what I experienced very early in life. I had no influence, no control, no desire to control another person (well maybe my younger brother) and I certainly did not have the ability, nor was I even in the right place to stop my mofher doing what she did.
I suspect that I had experienced abandonment as in "being left", in the years before my mother's death when I was 5. Before that I had lived in one place, and I had also frequently stayed with an aunt during my mother's pregnancy with my brother. We also lived in the same house as that aunt's mother in law. So when the four of us moved to a new house, I must have felt abandoned by my aunt's mother in law. I remember she was a kind woman.
What I remember of my mother's death is very little. I think that I must have waited for ages for her to come and collect me, before the nuns gave up and sent me home alone. I can only imagine a 5 year old having to take two busese and that she must have been afraid, because those big red buses still loom so much taller than me in my memory. And I can clearly see standing in a dark garden holding my brother's hand, while adults rushed around us.
I do not remember being taken to my father's parents later that night. I do remember that I was a bridesmaid at my Aunt Tricia's wedding (that took place 2 days later after my mother's death - because it was too late and too expensive to cancel - I can't imagine how awful it must have been for Tricia and Bill getting married. And I remember that there was a balcony that ran around the whole hall, which I ran up and down the stairs and around and down again, tearing the netted hem of the dress.
adjective: to be given up : forsaken
Interesting - I find myself thinking that the verb contradicts the adjective.
It's easy to adbandon a task that you cannot simply complete, because you don't have the right tools, or it's a scientific equation that you can't understand, no matter how many times you read or have read about it. Or you abandon the control and attempt to influence another person, because you finally accept that nothing you say or do will get that person to stop doing what they want to.
But adbandonment is what I experienced very early in life. I had no influence, no control, no desire to control another person (well maybe my younger brother) and I certainly did not have the ability, nor was I even in the right place to stop my mofher doing what she did.
I suspect that I had experienced abandonment as in "being left", in the years before my mother's death when I was 5. Before that I had lived in one place, and I had also frequently stayed with an aunt during my mother's pregnancy with my brother. We also lived in the same house as that aunt's mother in law. So when the four of us moved to a new house, I must have felt abandoned by my aunt's mother in law. I remember she was a kind woman.
What I remember of my mother's death is very little. I think that I must have waited for ages for her to come and collect me, before the nuns gave up and sent me home alone. I can only imagine a 5 year old having to take two busese and that she must have been afraid, because those big red buses still loom so much taller than me in my memory. And I can clearly see standing in a dark garden holding my brother's hand, while adults rushed around us.
I do not remember being taken to my father's parents later that night. I do remember that I was a bridesmaid at my Aunt Tricia's wedding (that took place 2 days later after my mother's death - because it was too late and too expensive to cancel - I can't imagine how awful it must have been for Tricia and Bill getting married. And I remember that there was a balcony that ran around the whole hall, which I ran up and down the stairs and around and down again, tearing the netted hem of the dress.
I do not remember that my brother was sent away to stay with my grandparents in Ireland. (We each learned this only a few years ago that he was sent to Ireland for between 12 and 18 months.) I must have felt very lonely and I had to go to a new school, where I knew no one. When he finally returned, he spoke with a thick Irish Cork accent and I would translate for him.
I do remember the click of the grandfather's clock, I remember we didn't have bathroom, just a toilet. I remember baths in a tin one in front of the fire every Saturday. I remember listening for my father's footsteps (he took up tennis with ferocity after his wife's death) when he returned each night from the club a few doors away from my grandparent's home. I remember my brother and I sliding on the lino floor in the bedroom he shared with Dad. I remember sleeping in the middle under the sheets in the bed I shared with my Aunt Jacqueline and remember frequent nightmares.
I can't remember how old I was, but I remember that my father had gone to the North of England for a meeting and that the train he was due to take back crashed. Many people were killed. I remember there was a lot of fear at home, because we had no phone and therefore no news. Just sitting, waiting and waiting.
I do remember the click of the grandfather's clock, I remember we didn't have bathroom, just a toilet. I remember baths in a tin one in front of the fire every Saturday. I remember listening for my father's footsteps (he took up tennis with ferocity after his wife's death) when he returned each night from the club a few doors away from my grandparent's home. I remember my brother and I sliding on the lino floor in the bedroom he shared with Dad. I remember sleeping in the middle under the sheets in the bed I shared with my Aunt Jacqueline and remember frequent nightmares.
I can't remember how old I was, but I remember that my father had gone to the North of England for a meeting and that the train he was due to take back crashed. Many people were killed. I remember there was a lot of fear at home, because we had no phone and therefore no news. Just sitting, waiting and waiting.
When I was 9, my father remarried. More abandonment. Another home left, where at least I had felt safe. I cannot say I always felt wanted. My father was my grandmother's favourite child and I was a "competitor", and she made it clear that looking after my brother and me was more a duty, than something she wanted.
As I write this, I am feeling abandoned totally. I can't reach my boyfriend. My phone; which we share; and which the answer machine worked when I called it earlier today and left a message, is no longer on.
Panic attack immediately. How to describe a panic attack to someone's who's never experienced one. And I am sure they are different for each of us that have them. Mine feels like my whole body will simply fly into different directions and completely fall apart, my blood pressure increases, my forebodings grow by the minute, my imagination goes into over drive. My boyfriend is dead, my boyfriend has had an accident, my boyfriend is missing, my boyfriend has left me - he has abandoned me. And it is the last that is the strongest and most difficult feeling to deal with.
As I write this, I am feeling abandoned totally. I can't reach my boyfriend. My phone; which we share; and which the answer machine worked when I called it earlier today and left a message, is no longer on.
Panic attack immediately. How to describe a panic attack to someone's who's never experienced one. And I am sure they are different for each of us that have them. Mine feels like my whole body will simply fly into different directions and completely fall apart, my blood pressure increases, my forebodings grow by the minute, my imagination goes into over drive. My boyfriend is dead, my boyfriend has had an accident, my boyfriend is missing, my boyfriend has left me - he has abandoned me. And it is the last that is the strongest and most difficult feeling to deal with.
Last year, my brother for all but 15 months of my life and I had a bad argument via email. Stupid. It's not that I haven't learned in business, be careful what you write. Once written, hard to retract. Mean and nasty words were shared, his as bad as my own. I have tried to make peace twice now, but no, he will not cross back over the line and I know that nothing between us will be the same. More abandonment. But he isn't the brother of my childhood, nor the brother who visited me each June when I moved to LA.
I have no influence over his opinion. I only have any influence over what I should do and how I feel. My immediate response, it's fine, let it be. But still abandonment.
Now a friend of many years has died. He had a fear of dying alone, and I promised him that I would never let that happen, but I left for the UK on Thursday 17, and he was admitted to emergency on the 19th and died in the early hours of the 20th. He would have been 57 in April.
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