Getting lost and found

It's the day before Christmas and there are no mice around. It's still very quiet. My loved one is asleep and I am thinking of the past year. Not a great one in some respects. I've already written about how my post traumatic stress disorder got completely beyond my control to the point where one Saturday in late September, I simply and angrily wrote "I am very angry and I am an idiot", then went to sleep. I knew I had to do something and that was to get to Lynda Steel, an incredible woman, who had helped me get sober and taught me so much. In retrospect if I had actually stayed at her Project Reovery Inc, my Chevy pick up would be working as I would never have got stuck in Barstow, N. California. Where two Triple A Autoclub accredited companies; Barstow Towing and Barstor Fuel 76 (who wrecked my engine) conspired to steal it. A problem I have yet to find a solution for. And Los Angeles is not fun without a car to get around in. However, I had such an adventure getting to Project Recovery Inc. My sense of direction is not the best in L.A. where at least I recognize horizons; and out there on the freeways on my way to Salt Lake City, I managed to take a wrong turn in Nevada and ended up in Arizona. The initial part of my journey was frightening. My ptsd was bad, my panio attacks were awful. I had an ear infection and the sound of the trucks aggravated that, and combined with panic attacks sent me off the freeway in fear and flight many times. Usually, I try to get off at an exit, however, the side of the freeway will do if necessary until I can calm myself down and get back on the road again. One fear and flight happened just before an exit and unconcerned where it would lead me I left the freeway, just desperate to get off. I drove around quiet country road between 3-4 a.m. in the morning and at crossroad, I came across a small village of pebbled roads and neat trailers. It seemed a good place to take a nap. Driving very slowly and quietly through it to an end of one road, I found myself looking at the one place in all the world I have wanted to visit since reading about The Hopi Tribe in one of James Mitchener's books. I had arrived at Black Rock. Black Rock is the Spiritual Home of The Hopi Tribe and there it was. A dark velvet gray mountain range with a crystal clear sky; the sun coming up in the west, a bright silver gold and the pale white ghostly moon waning in the east. The many stars were so bright overhead; and above the range as if suspended, shimmered a silver cross. Or Silver Eagle as I learned it's also referred to. Immense peace came to me; I was in awe. All fear left me and I knew who I was again. I atayed there for at leaast an hour, sketching; and hope that I will be able to paint a picture and capture some of the magic I witnessed. I was fine; I'd found me again. I could have driven back to L.A., however, I had made a commitment to Lynda and nher daughter, Leah and I continued my route to Salt Lake City. Plus, I wanted to see my sister and her family who live there. Of course, I was not surprised to find myself several hours later on the other side of the Black Rock mountain range! This time in a parking area, with trucks and other cars. Here I met Chas from Georgia; a truck driver, who kindly brought out his map and we wrote specific freeways to follow. To no avail, I got lost again and I am not sure where, except that yet again a truck driver from Wisconsin helped me. He also used his own rope to more securely tie down the tarpaulin that was a constant parachute in my rear mirror. At rhw beginning of August I decided to finally apply for American Citizenship, at which point I learned that women are not equal under the USA Constitution. I was totally horrified and guess that I had never noticed because I came here equal under British law and assumed the same applied in the US. I decided to take a sample poll with the simple question (no political affiliation asked for), "Do you believe women should be equal under the US Constitution". Continuing to get lost, or at least uncertain whether I was on the correct route, I stopped a lot, including to get gas and something to eat. I calculate I met around 300 people before I arrived back in LA, and all but 5 answered yes. I was particularly fortunate at one Comfort Inn; where a very kind young woman also let me charge my sell phone; to meet a tourist coach party having breakfast. They were from all over the States. I asked the same question at each stop, consequently my poll was pretty accurate in terms of the country's population and I believe it's reasonable to state that between 90-95% believe women should be equal under the Constitution. An aside, however, learning The Constitution in preparation for my Citizenship, I find it surprising to learn that women were equal under the original 10 Bill of Rights, as they refer to a President being impeached, as he or she. Odd to ponder that we all came here in search of freedom and as the Constitution developed, groups were excluded then included again, until we are left with only women not being equal. However, President Obama will correct this. Back to my unplanned road trip. For the first time since I moved to this country in 1978, I was among "normal" Americans, not ones from the entertainment business and there are great people in this country. Everyone I asked for help from, gave it willingly and I learned so much. There are people suffering from the economy, yet they work hard and do not complain. Why should I complain about a childhood and adolescence that I cannot much remember; except for the good times; and let it affect me now. I do not remember all of the names of the people I met, however, I remember the tall African American Walker brothers from Texas who helped me get back into my Chevy after I locked my keys and the spare set in it. Kasey; originally from Persia; who I met in Ontario and who kindly tried to find the nail I thought was in one of my tires. He and I had a great political discussion and I learned a very different story of why the Shah of Persia was forced to abdicate. He asked me to help him write his life story, which I hope to be able to do. There was Denise Polido who worked at a Daybreak Inn, who was so kind and caring and I wrote in my quasi journal "calmed me down". Wendy, Joyce, Brandon and their pekenese Violet who I met in Territorial, when I stayed at their inn. There I also saw Monezuma's Castle, a National Monument well worth visiting and you can learn some of America's history and the ranges built up over millions of years. I met so many, many kind people. I had time to listen to the radio, NPR and the BBC and learned so much. I finally ended up at Project Recovery Inc and still feel guilty that Leah in particular worried about me taking so long to get there, with my getting lost so many times. Getting lost, however, helped me find myself again.